There is and always will be a debate on the subject of the Undead we loving refer to as Zombies and what their defining characteristics are. Isn’t it about time we set the Universal Laws? We thought so!
- Zombies are former humans who have DIED and come back from the dead, thus they are UNDEAD.
- They are NOT simply sick humans who have lost all human characteristics thus are zombies.
- The only exception to this law is the Voodoo/hoodoo Zombies created through the use of neuro-toxins to “brainwash” victims.
- Zombies want to eat you.
- They prefer the human brain but will bite, claw, and consume any part of you they can get their grubby Undead hands on.
- The reason for their need to consume human flesh is not completely known so debate is still open. Theories range from mini-parasites on teeth and nails that spread the Z-plague, to issues with the thalamus of the brain causing Zombies to not realize they are full thus they constantly hunger.
- Zombies cannot swim. Experts have confirmed that the Undead lack the coordination needed to swim, thus it is not possible. They can however walk along the bottom of a body of water and stay submerged for long periods of time (see LAW 4).
- With the exception of the brain, all “essential” bodily functions of a zombie have ceased. This includes but is not limited to heart beat, lungs, liver, bladder and bowels.
- Though the lungs function in their intended role, they are capable of drawing air and releasing it, allowing for the Zombie’s signature moan.
- Due to the lack of oxygen, Zombies are not capable of suffocation and can walk under water.
- Zombies do poop. As “food” is forced into their system the body eventually forces it out the other end (hey, it happens).
- Zombies cannot communicate.
- Zombies are virtually unaware of each other and only flock in a horde because this is usually where the prey is. The horde is not a coordinated effort to get you (so calm down Mr. Paranoid).
- It is a waste of your time, and in fact quite dangerous to try to talk, reason, or debate theology with a Zombie.
- The reason that the moans attract other Zombies is that Zombies are attracted to any sound.
- Zombies Can’t Love.
- The Undead retain no memories of their former life, and there for have no emotional attachments to those they used to know. In fact, Zombies cannot form emotional attachments at all, to humans, animals or other Zombies.
- The only thing a Zombie is dedicated and loyal to is its next meal.
- There is only one way to kill a Zombie: Destroying the brain.
- Cranial damage must be extreme enough to puncture the white matter of the brain. Some believe it is enough to sever the brain stem, but to be sure it is best to utterly decimate the brain.
- Decapitation will NOT kill a zombie. The body may no longer be animated due to lack of communication with the brain, but if the brain is not damaged, the severed head will continue to pose a threat.
- Zombies can’t run. (Look fan-boy, we know its scarier if a zombie is running full blast at you, but its physically impossible for a body that has been decomposing to get faster. Get over it. If you really feel that strongly about it, make your case in the comments section below and laws may be re-evaluated.)
- Zombies CAN and lunge and get bursts of speed as they get closer to their prey.
- Zombies have use of most of their senses, though these senses are not “superhuman”:
- Taste- As stated in LAW 2: Zombies will eat any part of a human they can get a hold of, but if a live brain is available they will attempt to get at it first. This is where the myth that Zombie want to eat your brains come from. It is unknown why they prefer the brain so most equate it to a taste preference.
- Sight- According to “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks, Zombie can spot a burning ember of a cigarette over a mile away. Though the undead have the same night-vision capabilities as the average human, it is believed that they seem to have better nocturnal vision because they rely on other senses when one fails.
- Smell- Zombies can smell human pheromones, and some believe blood from at least a quarter-mile away. They also smell urine, fecal matter, and fear. (Ok, so maybe not fear.)
- Hearing- Zombies react to any sound, though once they investigate the sound, if it is discovered not to be prey, they can distinguish it between other sounds and avoid it in the near future. However, due to a lack of long term memory, Zombie soon forget and will check out the sound again. This is why Zombies have been noted walking in circles. They are investigating the sound of their own foot steps.
- Touch- Zombies feel nothing.
- If a Zombie bites or scratches you, (sorry buddy there is no cure) you’re screwed.
- Though it is possible to amputate the limb or cut out the infected area, this is rarely effective and 98.99% of the time, a human infected will change anyway. The other 1.01% of the time the amputation usually results in the infected person bleeding out.
So, these are the laws of the Zombie land! Marvel at their splendor and debate freely below! Think you know someone who wants in on the discussion? Feel free to tweet about it and FB like it above!