Can you Domesticate your Zombie?

Since the zombies very first climbed out of the grave and onto the big screens and pages of fiction novels everywhere, people have run in fear but eventually wanted to find a way to domesticate them. Usually, the reason for desired domestication is as a security presence, to eliminate the threat, or to create a new beloved family pet. Some have even created collars used for just such a purpose.

Many have died attempting to domesticate Zombies and other animals of the wild, so the question must be asked: Is it truly possible to domesticate your Zombie?

Do collars like the ones used in the movie "Fido" help to domesticate Zombies in real life?

To properly domesticate any animal, you must first become an expert on the type of animal you hope to domesticate. One cannot simply take a stray dog from the middle of nowhere and expect it to behave properly in their home without the proper training, feeding and basic introduction of what is expected. Instead, you must first realize that dogs are pack animals and will need to be introduced properly into the customs of your “pack” or family. This article is not about dogs, however. It is about zombies.

Let us take a look at a few Zombie myths:

• Zombies can communicate with one another.

-Though zombies do occasionally grunt, moan and gurgle, these reactions are just that- in instinctual reaction to something around them or air being released from their lungs and hitting vocal cords correctly. There is no solid, field tested research to show that zombies communicate or work together. In fact, field studies have shown time and time again that any attempt to communicate with the undead is a waste of time. The only language that a Zombie speaks is human brains. If you want to communicate with a Zombie, perhaps your best chance would be to offer it yours!

• Zombies have a “pack” mentality.

The truth is that zombies have one mentality- hungry. Zombies have been spotted in hordes as well as alone. They will hunt where ever the food (that would be you) is. If they are spotted in hordes, it is usually because a meal is nearby. When domesticating a “normal” animal, food is a great motivator. Unfortunately (though they will eat anything living if no humans are around) human flesh and brains are the only thing to fully motivate a Zombie to move from point A to point B. If you wanted to domesticate a Zombie you would need to abandon any moral vales you may have about feeding your new pet and be extremely cautious about not becoming the motivation yourself.

• Zombies retain memories of their former selves.

Not only is there no scientific proof of this, but experts have said that the exact opposite is true. Zombies have no recollection of who they were, or anything else from their past life. So your Momma just died and came back? Time to give her a lead-lobotomy, because those sweet childhood memories you have, she no longer does and will eat you first chance she gets. Saddly, there is no use holding on to the past. If Zombies could retain memories of their former selves, this might help them warm up to you. Perhaps this is why so many want to believe it to be true.

Bottom line:

Knowing these facts, it is safe to ascertain that zombies cannot be fully domesticated. First, because one cannot assume that the undead will conform to your pack, no matter how well “motivated” they may be; and two because there is no way to properly communicate with them and lastly, they have no love for you, so why should you have love for them?

So, for now “FIDO” will have to stay chained in your yard to keep your neighbors pooping dog at bay!